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| 06:23pm 27/07/2008 |
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I've spent the last 2 hours on google--teaching myself the little things in life that nobody should know about. I intend on making cupcakes, taking a shower, and smoking myself into a deep slumber. Im bored. Fuck myspace. |
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| Billy, |
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| 01:43pm 05/12/2007 |
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mood:  excited music: Incubus.
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You make it really hard not to fall in love with you.
Scariest part is...
I think i want too.
Am i, he, we....ready?
I'm uncertain and unsure excited and anxious.
I do know I appreciate all that you are-And i wouldnt trade you in for anything! |
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| copy cat |
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| 01:43pm 25/11/2007 |
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I posted this awhile ago-- But i went back and saw it and it made me feel the same way she makes me feel daily.
Real.
| | | | | | | | 5. in such a short time you get me, you know i cant express how i truly feel. i have erased this sentence 40 times to write the right ones. know this i would die for you. |
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| choas. |
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| 01:11pm 25/11/2007 |
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mood:  contemplative music: 311.
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It's so crazy how the game of he said she says can blow things so out of the water. For example: i hear some stupid stufffrom someone (NOT a direct sorce tho) so I did what any logical person did and i shut my mouth--all though making me so uncofortable and sad and whatever i just didnt want to the ruin of a potentially great thing;specially if god forbid the info wasnt true. I wrote about it on my last entry to try and ease my head and just VENT--only for it to have bin turned into world war three. I can't win. Im not out to prove my self to anyone exsept my self. People are always going to judge, and think they know whats going on when they dont. Exhibit A-I dont hate anyone. B-There is no rule in the book of life that says EVERYONE has to be on the same leval--friendship wise. I have two of thebestfriends in the whole world and they understand me for me as i do them. They dont pre judge. They dont assume its a carefree life style and we all understand each other--help each other out not fincially (well yeah that too) but emotionally. I feel so lucky to have the people i do in my life i care about each and everyone--but those select few that know whats really up. We have an amazing relationship and its forever. Shit's still really tense between me and a certain someone and it sucks. Theres so much that needs to be said--on my end nothing even that bad But I've bin hearing one bad thing (after the next) being said about me and behind my back. It hurts that he assumes. It hurts that he pre-judges me. It HURTS that he can't know the real me. But i see the relationships that were built with the people around him--and i dont think he even relizes how bad things are for him--friendship wize. And yeah a big part of that is the conter parties fault--but is it because they fear that no matter what there getting served a big pile of shit? Im not sure-seems that way tho. This person has bin really leanyent with me about alot of things-and its MUCH APPRECIATED. But theres apprently alot he doesnt like about me and never has--again never really feeding into this to much (being that it was 3rd party info) I continued to live my life just letting him have his opinion i guess--but now its come to a point where im just like WOW i didnt relize someone could assume (and be so wrong) about--everything pertainning to me. I've always bin on edge but its because i was scared of getting hurt--he hurt more people then i think he cares to relize. Its always bin a defense mechanisim for me i guess. I dont by any means want things to end badly or for him to assume the things-but people are gonna think what they want to and i dont want to get out of my way to prove them wrong--people who want to know the real me can...have..and will.
I wish things were easier--I've bin trying to stay out of his way. It's sucks because I belive (and was sorta told) that he thinks im trying to turn people againt him--fartherest thing from the truth-there is so many people who have there opinions (good and bad alike) and i never persuaded them to feel any certain way--people are in constant fear of him its the weirdest thing--not good. Did i get people to turn away from Joey? No classic case of right from wrong people made there own assumtions and did what they did with it--and it seems as though i got the last laugh. Im not persuasive in a negative way--people who really know me--know im quite the opposite. I dont know what to do anymore-Im not who you say i am so i feel like by ME approching the situation im wasting my breath. Its hard maybe he will come to me? Ride it out rite? These are the cards i was delt and as hard and as emotionally drainning all this is- i have great people trying to keep my feet on the ground--keep my centerd. In other news Im getting my car back in the next few weeks ($200 more dollars) and I'll be back on the streets again mwahaha. As for my living situation im not sure--was comfortable kindda tossing around the idea of staying till Billy Kala and my self could get a apt. on the beach but who knows whats happening now--*Live and learn rite?* My gramma is doing a shitload better--shes hands down the strongest women alive shes so great and the fact that she doesnt relize how great and what an important assest to the family she really is makes her even GREATER! Thanksgiving was beautiful its bin a long time since i had a family holiday like that--its funny because i was almost certain that my day had gotten ruined but billy and my family made up for it all ten fold it was really nice. AND tomarrow hopefully i will get my new cellular device and i will be back in business. OH yeah and i got some job at a cataloge place--and the referals business thing is just about to finish taking off--Money in the baaaaaank.
Evolve. |
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| Prepare for your demise. |
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| 05:54pm 15/11/2007 |
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mood:  chipper music: Chronic Future.
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I hate that you are such a good liar that you have convinced not only people around you but your self; that your a "good person". I saw right thru you from the start. You are not a good person and yes maybe you have materialistic things to show for your accomplishments from where u were to where u are now; but in the end of THIS your going to walk away with nothing--now tell me who wins? The man with everyTHING or the Girl with EVERYONE. I was told by you once, to basically become everything you are and even told me the way to get there--Funny thing is YOUR EVERYTHING I NEVER WANT TO BE thought it then, and most definatly think it now. You;ve have rocked the foundation in witch my life is based upon. Your mind games are up buddy- you'll get whats coming to you. I hate that you are hurting the people who are closest to me--not anymore after all this IT WILL come back to burn you in the ass IT WILL be the end.. Your demise is coming.I want so badly to be the reason why this all blows up in your face, but i won't Karma is a bitch and this is the life you have choosen to live and bitch, you better belive your about to learn; for your sake i hope you learn. This is'nt anyones fault but your own. I cant be bought. Neither can she, or he, them and us.
Stop lying to us. Stop Cheating on her. And most of all stop being so fucking fake u plastic POS. Now i will sit back and let nature run its corse. Sit back and buckle up cause lifes about to take you for one hell of a ride.
In other news; Things are going well. I love that the time i have is being utilized to the fullest with people i adore, trust, and have a wicked good time with.
Billy and I get to spend thanksgiving togeather-it was very up in the air untill today and I'm stoked.
Peace.Love. and Tranquility-So happy. |
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| Human; i think. |
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| 05:06pm 12/10/2007 |
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mood:  dirty music: Jah Jah--here pussy pussy.
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Takin Out The Trash.....
Life
(PRELUDE)
It's strange to see myself fight with my own demons. I dont get to talk about my problems to people for many reasons. Yet, at my own pace and process unbeknownst to anyone around me while i do it, I do move through my issues as often as they come at me. Sometimes the work load does back up and I go through my temporary funk periods, but I think it's just frustration at the amount I need to deal with at the time, that my mood is actually interpreting. What has always intrigued me though, has been how I can put all I am working through on pause as soon as someone needs me to help them with something they simply cant carry the burdon of alone anymore........
It comes without warning sometimes. Other times you can feel it coming for months.....
It's an extremely dark cloud. Not like anything you've ever seen in the sky. This is too black to be Nature. It has a girth undefinable as it ongulates toward you. It's thickness slightly resembles an oily consistancy of pure self loathing. Pulsing accumulations of doubt and negativity swarm inside this uninvited mass of thought creating lightning flashes of fear & hopelessness. It destructively batters you with a deceitful language. To make matters just that much worse, it's voice sounds just like yours.
You never saw it coming......
Your new friend has no body for others to see as it travels with you everywhere. The only resemblance to a face it has is what it's done to yours since you first started listening to it. The more it talks, the more you lose grips with what's important, with what's available, with what's worth appreciating, with what's worth fighting for, & innevitably with what's wrong. It throws you into a dark mass of water surrounded by all the things going on in your life (positive & Negative) & without ever teaching you how to swim through water this thick it gives you one arm floaty to hang on to and ties a piano to your ankle. From the back of a yacht it laughs at you while sreaming, "Good Luck Bitch!"....In all honesty you didnt even realize it was there. It Con'd you so well that you thought life really was just this bad.
It weighs a ton....
But I watch you struggle to even get up. I watch your social behavior stray from what i love about you. Watch as you let the pressure of everything stack on you. You dont talk about it because you dont know what you would say.
It takes up alot of room and as far as i'm concerned, you dont have room for it. It's latched on so tightly, interwined with your own insecurities it feeds on, that it wouldnt even let you cry.......
I'm not diggin' this fuck at all, and since it has you to the point that you definitely cant do anything but live with it, I'm Taking the innitiative.
At first, I'm gonna look like an asshole, because i have to poke at you. I have say things with the intent to make you feel like shit. It get's you sensitive, It opens up emotions that are negative. These same emotions are what gets it to let go for a minute because now you have a face to face, undeniably legitamate conflict to deal with. A pure distraction from hearing it's voice at all. I'm scary enough.
Then once you're teary eyed from what i've said and i can see you starting to add this confrontaion to that list it's givin you of negative things happening in life rite now, Thats when i boost your ego. Thats when i say subdtly enough, all the easy compliments you could deny up and down. I show you that you're worth my time. I show you that you're important enough to care about, so there for you're important.
And rite when you cant hear anymore, or you're gonna sream. Rite when you take your head in your arms to shun me away. It is inside you at the weakest point. It can con you to yourself easily, but it cant keep a hold on you anywhere near as strong as it has when it's trying to denounce my barrage of true compliments. My arsenal of words describing your awesomeness. Rite at this point, i grab you and hold you tightly my friend.
Wether you believe it or not, everything has an energy. You do. I do.....It does. It was too heavy for you, but it made you believe you wanted to hold onto it. I made you understand how much you dont need to.
I ask you to finally give in & just give it to me. It pours out of you almost immediately. You cry that long pain extinguishing cry. sobbing like you havent in years, because that's what it's voice actually sounds like. If you'd have known that when it arrived you'd have told it to piss off yourself.
I told you, "it doesnt belong to you anymore.....just give it to me. I can carry it. I can take it", and once you gave it to me i told you, "it's mine now". You tried holding onto a peice. I said, "just let it go. It's mine now, and i wont give it back. It's not yours anymore".
and just like that, it was gone....
Remember my words, dont go lookin for it cuz you're not gonna find it. It's mine now, and i wouldnt leave it out somewhere you could find it. I took care of it, and its gone now.
Now go take on you're life the way you're supposed to....
Things are really looking good for me. I find my self at peace. Billy is living with me--long story in it's self. Kala has become such an important person in my life--things are just good. I even lost 30lbs. My friends, no my family are the foundation in whitch i live my life based on--with out them i'd be nothing.
The End. |
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| Dont even read this. |
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| 08:22pm 28/08/2007 |
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mood:  blank music: silence.
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I really hate how everything has tohave a counter part. Like; its like life is one big contradiction. Last night i had the worse brake up with out even having a boyfriend. I met a boy his name is Billy; were both really fucked up in the head due to old exspirances and shit but we get along amazing and hang out everyday since the day we met... last night found our selves at the point where were both obviously getting attached and neither he and I want to hurt one another...
Now this leaves me with ok-- i can pressue him to be my boyfriend (witch i dont even think i want) And hes POSITIVE hes going to hurt me. Hes "psycho". Not like normal boyfriend shit either hes lived one of thoses unexplainble lives; like how could anyone one hurt someone like him. His biggest issue is he scsred of loosing me forever AND hurting me.
Now there is always option b-- We act as though nothing ever happened, we dont hold hands, we dont care about each other, we stop all the things that we are doing as a "couple". It avoids all hurting aspects i guess, BUT the damage is done we fell..fast..and hard apparently i didnt even relize it till last nite. We sleep at each others house every day, and i dont want to loose that because were scared of where our emotions are going to take us..but yet i am. SEE always a fucking counter arguement. This is literally me sitting here going thru the thughts in my head.. no thought behind them what so ever; pay no attention. I think i like Billy but i dont know.. i dont want to be hurt anymore. ive bin at his house all day talking to his sister about shit.. she wants us togeather but doesnt want psycho billy to hurt me.. now mind u i dont know psycho billy ive heard stories but the reason for him being where he is is to better his life.. so im met a new and improving billy...i dont know. i really dont... its going to be another full nite of talking and emotional bullshit that i dont want to deal with.. i STay single to avoide this and some how i ended up back where i said i never wanted to be....
But i guess im trying to find comfort and happiness i this this whole situation is driving me nuts for the simple fact that it was so simple and enjoable and i dreaded the day we neeed to "figure out what we are". Lables are a crock of shit. I think im going to just lay shit out the way i truely feel (the good the bad and the ugly) and tell him i want to enjoy him for the day to day.. and not for the what ifs and omgs. I dont want to loose him either... its kind of funny he fell asleep last nite upset and certain that he was never going to see me again ever... and im here waiting for him to get off of work.... who knows whats going to happen over night.. at least after ranmbaling all this shit even if it doesnt make sence I now know i walk away from the situation happy to know it was good while it was good and if we do go our seprate ways and thats the only way for us to prevent "hurt" at least i wont hafta go thru what joey and I did..MUMBO jumbo i know. |
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| 3:43 am. |
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| 03:43am 22/07/2007 |
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mood: happy music: n/a
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Scammbled Baby.
Pork Fried Baby.
Deep Fried Baby.
Baby Nuggets.
Babys in Blankets.
Frosted Babies.
Baby back Ribs.
Baby Hair pasta.
Stuffed Baby.
♥♥♥♥
Ps- vico just called me ♥ |
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| Im going to... |
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| 01:59am 17/07/2007 |
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mood:  bitchy music: nothing.
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Beat a bitches ass tonite. Bye Jen, i always knew u were JUST a crack whore. Stop using people and get your shit stright. Only 19 and yor a in and out of rehab and homeless. U walked a fine line between needy and greedy. Your fucking greedy. And ungreatful. Be happy that im not 16 anymore if that were the case your face would be in in the street. Im going to tell u what a peice of shit u truely are, and then send ur lying ass out the front door. Fairwell. and remeber, KARMAS A BITCH.
With Love. |
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| Its true |
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| 02:22pm 16/07/2007 |
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mood:  relieved music: Spaceman
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Everything is going to be fine, we got the stone back. |
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| Me VS Myself. |
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| 04:20pm 12/07/2007 |
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mood: optimistic music: The Vandals.
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The constant internal debate inside my head is becoming some what over whelming. Yes its true, this is something I've battled since as long as I can remember. But now that I'm older, things are changing, significant, life altering things are changing. I'm trying new things. Throwing out the old and trying to explore the new. I feel very stable in the decisions I have, and will make.( I just think other peoples opinions are starting to get to me.) I've even gotten to a point to where I question my own compassion towards people. I never thought I could stand on my own two feet, but I truly believe that's because other people negativity that had me in a realm-- a world of discomfort and I hate feeling lost and un-loved. But Fuck that, I've bin on my own since I was 16years old and I've taken care of more people then I can even count. Life is about believing, redefining, discovering, learning, remembering, building. All theses things I love, and appreciate. I hate that I let my self get to the point where I battle MYSELF. I am me, I know me. I know I'm not perfect, but I love "life" and everything it has to offer and I would like to get the most out of it as possible. The good the bad and the ugly. I want to live, love, grown, and learn and all for Me. I spent a Vass amount of my childhood life tied down to a very few someone's all very undeserving, and yet I still walk away from the situation with a smirk on my face. I'm not stupid, but I tend to overlook what I already see to try and find that good in someone. Yes, I got hurt in the end, I was made the fool of but you know what I walk away a better person. It was an experience, I can finally say I'm glad it came and went. All of theses emotions have bin racing threw my head for days now. I've had my up's and most defiantly had my downs. But I do see a difference. I am sensitive. But no matter what I didn't let life's little lessons get me down. I'm secure on my own two feet, and I can finally just look at some of the petty shit and just say "Fuck it". I'm starting to see inner-strength with in my self, something I've never had before. We shall see where this mentality get me. With that said, I THINK I have a crush on a boy. Yes its true I did find William Skye who is someone I would dream of being with, but for now he is away and I don't know when he's going to be back. I truly do believe in destiny and I feel like he came into my life for a reason. He open Pandora's box of emotions for me. It was hectic, sloppy, fast, and overwhelming not to mention beautiful, passionate, almost perfect. And my "god" so very needed. If Destiny feels as though our paths should cross again one day then so be it. Until then I'm a 21yr old single girl with scars for miles. You know, the entire experience of love, crushing and all it's components, is a game, and a very big rush of adrenaline. One of these day's I'll master it and maybe even Win. But right now I'm scared and trying very hard not to be.
I think it's more then okay to want that security in yourself and want to protect your most delicate and precious organ, but it's okay to experience life and all it's novelties too. I think the best advice I ever got, was ALWAYS follow your intuition. it will always take you to the places that you need to go to -- good or bad.
I think I'm to young to be worrying about the things that I do. I do however believe I am an "old" enough to know what I'm feeling. All though I don't believe this is my last life there is defiantly a lot o want to absorbed before I leave, just in case.=)
I want to have fun and let go of the past. He's a great guy with a lot to offer but best of all he's my friend and that's never going to change crush or not. What's the worst that can happen? I get heartbroken again?? I've done that once before and I lived thru and made it out smelling like a rose too. That being said...I'm looking at the situation a bit differently now. "what's the best that can happen?".
I'm going to take life slow, I don't want to miss a beat. Let go of my worries. Enjoy Life. Enjoy myself. Enjoy Each other.
I think once I free my mind the rest will fallow.
Peace. and Love. |
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| What.Yeah.Ok. |
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| 12:02am 09/07/2007 |
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Late start, but mission accomplished.
1am-AleHouse
2am-Tricky Dicks
3am-Drunk
4am-Hottub
430am-Down to two.
530am-Stoned.Reno911.Sleepover.
Erock is my favorite. |
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| Jew Lie 4th. |
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| 09:39am 05/07/2007 |
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mood:  tired music: Postal service.
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Fireworks.
Pot.
Optimus prime.
Pot.
2:30am.
Videocamera.
Fireworks.
Airheads.
Beat a bitch down.
Bed time.
The end. |
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| Trailpark central. |
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| 05:43pm 13/06/2007 |
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mood:  uncomfortable music: Yeehaw.
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Bare feet.
lynard skynard
Bud Light.
Doritos.
BB gun.
Dead Animals.
Ask me If im having fun. |
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| My perfect boy. |
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| 09:29pm 07/06/2007 |
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mood:  refreshed music: Plain white tee's
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omg wtf ponies (9:27:19 PM): I cant take it
omg wtf ponies (9:27:28 PM): I want to eat your face off |
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| BoyFase |
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| 07:17pm 03/06/2007 |
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Foo Foo FagNasties.
♥ |
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| Vengance. |
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| 04:13pm 01/06/2007 |
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mood:  nauseated music: Rain.
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Her(3:58:31 PM): he's paying for it though.. because he's miserable as hell.. he basicalli wants to kill himself because he misses u so much
I wish this made me feel better. But it only makes things worse. |
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| Secrets never to be told. |
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| 09:51am 18/05/2007 |
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5. in such a short time you get me, you know i cant express how i truly feel. i have erased this sentence 40 times to write the right ones. know this i would die for you. |
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| Change. |
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| 04:30pm 17/05/2007 |
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I'm not longer living to impress, I'm living until I die |
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kiddiesuicide's journal
jealous